Healing

(continued from last Tuesday’s post, Back to the Beginning)

Tuesday, June 29, 1999 – 2:15 am

Cody lay awake in the bed the still shared with Lily.  After a night of passionate and desperate lovemaking that bordered on recklessness, Cody found the peaceful sleep that he had expected eluding him.  At first, he felt relieved that he and Lily were able to come together again, but the question of how realistic those expectations were haunted him.

Of course, he wanted to stay with Lily, but he also wished that none of this had ever happened.  He wanted to trust Lily to never cheat on him again, but then, he also wished that he had never given her a reason to want to run away.

Too many things had happened between them in a short period; too many hurts, and too many fractures in their trust.  Yet, here they were, urgently trying to bring their relationship back on track.  Neither of them wanted to return to the hurtful place they were at just eight hours ago; Cody was certain of that, but none of it could be forgotten.  They had to move forward with the promises they had made to each other.

As he was wont to do, Cody began to internalize all of the problems between them, and he placed the burden of their failures square onto his shoulders.  He knew Lily relied on this, and so he resisted, but he could not hold out for long.

            If only I had been more present in our relationship these past few years.

            I know I neglected her.

            Why did I get so wrapped-up with the drugs?

            Why do I spend so much time with Huey?

            Why do I try so hard to make Dutch Oven successful?

            What am I trying to prove?  And to whom?

Looking deep into his own soul, Cody believed that his actions drove Lily away.  He had already absolved her of her infidelity, and began to accept all of the responsibility for the near-dissolution of their marriage.  Of losing his soulmate.

Cody saw his heart closed behind an impenetrable fort, sealed away from hurt and despair.  He believed that this was necessary to meet his goals in life, and to prove to the world his own worth.  However, Cody did not anticipate hurting Lily in the process.  He believed that he had loved and cared for her during this time, even if he could now see that he did not always show it.

A song was coming to him.

Cody leaped from the bed and ran downstairs to his music room.  He grabbed his acoustic guitar and began strumming a simple chord structure in Dm.  It was a dark and haunting melody—one that fit the mood of his thoughts perfectly.

In almost the time it took to play the song through, he had written the musical changes and most of the lyrics in one sitting.  He would later make minor edits to the lyrics.

It was the easiest song he had ever written, and he could hardly wait for Lily to wake up so that he could play it for her.  Cody got no sleep that night, but not because he was using drugs; rather, he was so excited to play a brand new song that he believed proved to Lily that this fresh start would work.

At 7:45 am, Lily came down stairs to find Cody making the final touches to his newest song.  After a hug and a kiss, she sat next to him on his sofa and listened.

Soul Ray #5

By Joel C. Marckx

1999/07/11

From rocky peaks to valley lows, will this path ever plateau?

I never thought we’d ever have the guts to come to blows

I never thought that I would drive you to want to go

I never thought that I would ever have the chance to show

I could break through the ice around my heart

            And now so much has happened

            I know it’s just the start

            Two worlds coming together

            That never, ever should have been apart

            And now I’ve opened up my heart

 

Don’t know about the sharing, but I know that I never stopped caring

I always thought, “This is mine, you’d better leave it alone”

Why I couldn’t stop the hurt, I’ll never know

I never thought that I could tell you what you needed to know

I never knew that my feelings really wanted to show

I’ll never know why I took so long to grow

            I’m begging for my soul to

            Come alive again

            I’m begging for your heart to

            Open up and let me in

            I want to feel the love again

 

I have so much love that I’m needing to give, after all this time I kept it hid

I feel your electricity

I feel you fire inside of me

 

I feel your soul ray, I’m feeling okay

For the first time in my life

I feel your soul ray, I’m feeling okay

For the first time in my life

 

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Filed under Blue Moon Baby - The Novel, Lyrics

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